Sunday I knew it was time to get serious and release the rest of my braids, and then a clump of hair came out in my hand, so the time was right then. Heidi helped me cut off the rest of the braids and then she buzzed my head.
Mostly I really do not like this bare-headed thing. It's a shock in the mirror. I look old and sick and unbalanced. My head and neck are colder.
But it's not all bad. I think I can see a greater resemblance to my father. He wore is hair in a buzzed crew cut the whole time I knew him.
I have always liked having my scalp massaged or caressed. The increase in sensation without hair is really striking and I find most of it pleasant The trimmer felt good, Heidi's hands felt even better as she stabilized my head and trimmed. The touch of my hands feels good as well. A warm shower is divine. A cold shower is all the more invigorating. Rain is surprising. Hats feel like more; their texture and fiber content matter.
My therapist pointed out that is not very common as an older adult to have new, pleasurable physical sensations. Right.
Heidi says she never felt more free than she did the day she shaved her head last year. Kerstin says "I remember how naked I felt being bald and how that nakedness created space for me to release old and invite new."
I feel exposed and naked, aware of my vulnerability. I am seeking out places where my heart is closed so I can choose more openness. So many patterns that no longer serve me.
Healing blessings to all.