I got a list of things I am sorely disappointed in and also a long list of gratefuls. Some are the same thing. Cause it turns out I am human and full of contradictions and nuances.
Two main categories of grievances:
1. Medical care is really weird and offered in a sick and twisted system. Cancer care is part of that. Despite my being sort of an insider, advocating for myself is hard.
2. I don't like to create, discuss or defend boundaries. And I really dislike doing that work more than once about the same thing, with the same person. If I snarl at you, its likely me resenting the boundary work that is MINE TO DO.
And my gratitudes? I am so grateful for my health, for my people who support me, for counseling (how would I do boundary work if I wasn't in therapy???), for the possibility of treatment, for having a "treatable illness", for hope, for sunshine and mild weather.
Also (in no priority order)
Zofran (I have heard and read about what chemo was like before this game-changing anti-nausea drug)
Great story-tellers to engage my restless mind
The ending of relationships that were not serving me.