I asked for what I want from the hospital system and I got two kinds of answers: 1. Sure, we can do that! and 2. We have limited resources and we decide who gets them. Maybe we can do that and also we are changing our policies so we don't know for sure.
I don't know and I don't get to control what will actually happen. Of course. This is always the way. All I have any control over is my own response--and not always that.
The real outcome I want is to receive my full treatment with as much ease as possible and to be effectively treated for my cancer. I want to emerge from this journey into the dark night of the body with my full vitality--body, mind, soul. If transformation is in front of me, I want to be able to embrace it fully and become as whole as possible.
(OK, my scared kid still wants to have it not be real, to not have to do any of that, to go back to my old life of working hard as a physician and getting sweaty in my garden whenever I can)
The outcomes I want are not in my control. Nor are they in the control of my care team. This is the jurisdiction of the divine. It's in the hands of the Goddess/Great Mother and there is just no better place for it. Such a peaceful thought.
3 more braids removed. In the market for some hats. The back of my neck/lower head can feel the breeze.